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2001-12-25 - 7:57 p.m.
Merry Christmas. What I learned to day is that being a hermit is a task that requires a very strong determination. And a very strong person. Four months ago I made the decision to spend one year totally alone, to not develop or nurture any relationships with people. The reason for this decision was that I needed to get back to a place I was five years ago. I needed to create space for my writing and for the development of my own interests. I did not want to feel obligation or resentment for anything. The logic behind this is that if I allow myself one year of focusing on nothing but myself I will once again ingrain that lifestyle which I used to know and love back into my blood. And then I would be able to integrate relationships and other social things back in slowly without losing my purpose. Fortunately I have always been rather reclusive so this was not a giant leap for me except in the fact that I have always been surrounded by loving and adoring people when I needed them. And now,because I have made sure they all know I AM ALONE, they are not here and this being a holiday I feel somewhere deep within the very essence of my being that I am lonely and want people around. Or maybe I just feel that I should have people around. I somehow feel as though I should be out with friends, exchanging gifts and drinking egg-nog. I feel like I should have sent Christmas cards, that I should call people. But I cannot. Because that would lead me right back into the folds of living amongst people. And I haven�t even gotten to a productive stage in my hermitage yet. I haven�t even felt yet like I HAVE a hermitage going on yet. Last night as I was cleaning I was just picking things up around the house. In one hand I had my phone and in the other I had dirty coffee cups. I walked into the kitchen and walked by the sink thinking I was throwing the coffee cups in but I had really thrown the phone in. It is helpful when one is having the urge to call people she doesn�t need or want to call to have a phone that is still dripping water. Had a pretty nice Christmas. Woke early early and started making quiche and breads for brunch. My little brother called at ten and told me to hurry because he wanted to open his presents. We had a nice time, the three of us. Actually I guess if you want to be technical it was just the two of us as my little brother disappeared to the computer room after he opened his presents. My Mother and I just sat around and reminisced about funny things in the past. It all started when she told me she was getting married next year and that I would have to go to Rhode Island for the wedding and I replied, �Ohhh...I�d really like to but I have an emergency that day.� This made us start laughing because once when I was a kid we were at the doctor and needed to make a follow up appointment and the doctor told us that he would be letting another doctor see me on the appointed day because he was going to have an emergency that day. It was funny, maybe you had to be there. I swear every time I had to go to the doctor something funny happened. So I was there for a few hours, got wonderful presents and was pleased that they liked the gifts I got them. Came home and watched �Trading Spaces� for a few hours. I love Ty�s hands. I watch that show only for the chance that they might show Ty�s hands. And for the last three hours I have been trying to write some new poetry. I gave up on poetry a few years ago even though that is my first passion. I just didn�t think I had the �gift� for writing poetry and I NEED to make a living as a writer so I shifted over to writing novels and short stories. But then I had to go and win this Literary award thing for poetry and now I feel like I should give it another try. I think whatever part of me I lost over the past five years also took the ability to write poetry, that or I am just used to the grueling work of writing novels. And then I wanted to write in my diary. And now I want to take a bath. With new bath salts that smell really good but don�t smell as edible as those damn raspberry salts I tasted last week. Peace on earth. |
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