DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2001-12-09 - 6:29 a.m.

Could have slept in today since we son't open until 8:00 on Sunday. But I was rudely awakened by my twenty year old cat who happened to remember that she usually gets fed at 4 a.m.ish. I thought for sure my house had been overtaken by a banshee. It didn't help that I was in the midst of a nightmare about this mailman that comes to the restaurant and one of our cooks who were trying to shoot me and ended up shooting most of my neighborhood instead because I wasn't home. And the police wouldn't arrest them because they hadn't shot me so they were still on the loose. Nice wake up today.

I smelled snow on my cat last night. I got excited and calmed but alas, it was only cold rain smell on her. I am getting tired of not having snow, it isn't that I LIKE the snow that much, I just like things to settle into what they are going to be. I hate transitions and this has been too long. I also miss that moment as the sun is just going beneath the horizon on a clear winter day when everything turns a peaceful blue. I really need the quiet of winter right now. I have to say I even miss those early early mornings when I have to get up an hour early to shovel my driveway.

The other night I got a hankering to go swimming and since it was 11:00 and there were no pools accesable and the lakes are too cold I made do with my bathtub. I turned the little drain that keeps the water from getting too high upside down and plugged it with some toilet paper and filled that tub to the brim. Then I got in and could actually simulate swimming in half my body at a time. I could either kneel and put my head underwater and pretend my arms were swimming or I could sit up and kick with my legs. It was nice. I almost got myself believing I was swimming. What was it my massage teacher told us one time? Something like this..."The mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and a well formed lie." There was just one little hurdle I had yet to get over in my mind in order to truly believe I was swimming.

After my bath that night I realized I had forgotten to put the top on my face cream. I use Burt's Bees carrot cream. Anyway, it had dried out, gotten all thick. Made me think about that damn orange juice concentrate again. I had forgotten to put the lid on the cream before and all I have to do is put a little water in there and put the lid on and by morning it is fine, back to it's normal self. So I went to the kitchen, made more fresh orange juice and left it in the oven overnight to see what would happen. And it did become more the consistency I was looking for so I can safely deduce that orange juice concentrate is made in part by dehydrating the juice. Someone told me the other day that they use chemicals to make concentrate but there are no chemicals listed in the ingredients. This is when I miss my ex-relationship, we have gone to Florida for a couple weeks the past five winters and it would have been a very conveinient time for me to find out about this concentrate thing since we always stop at citrus farms to get grapefruit and oranges. Damn!!

I've decided to write diaryland and ask them to install a spellchecker. It isn't that I don't know how to spell most words but sometimes I get writing so fast and I miss things, goof things up. It would be nice to have a spellchecker because I never feel like re-reading something after I wrote it.

Stupid awards ceremony tonight. AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO READING THIS POEM OUTLOUD! I really wish I had time prior to the reception to get a drink and relax, but I don't so I'm going to have to do this sober. That sucks. I'm also freaking out about walking into this thing. I have such an issue about walking into things I am not used to. When I go to someones house for the first time I always ask when getting the directions what door to come to, do I have to take my shoes off upon entering, blah blah blah? I just like things to be familiar and comfortable. I have enough of a social anxiety to make so those extra things I have to think about make all the difference in whether I can even make it to the door. I'll be glad when this night is over and I can resume my familiar routine.

I went to the post office from my hometown which is 30 miles or so from here for six years after moving away from there because I couldn't bring myself to go into a new post office. THank God Meijer has stamps.

I'm going to work now. Hope you all have a great Sunday and send me some good thoughts tonight around 6:45 as I am hyperventilating in preparation of reading this poem to a group of unknown people.

Bye.

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