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2017-01-05 - 1:04 a.m.
And he's passed out in the driveway, car running for lord knows how many hours...Initially I pulled in the driveway thinking we had both arrived home at the same time. I playfully pulled up behind him and honked several times. Because lately he's been parking in my spot. It's been infuriating me. I've gotten home several nights, tired and strung out from this holiday shit and kicked the fuck out of his tires or screamed bloody murder in my car. Because I've been parking there for 8 years. It's my spot. And he's being a victim lately, so he's been parking in my spot. But tonight, because I've been feeling more awake lately, not trying to suffocate my feelings for fear that if I didn't I would fall back into those bad patterns just out of pity...I decided to be playful and light. But after a few honks I still had no response so I backed up into his old spot and got out and went to his window to find him passed out, totally, in his car. I'm sure he's been there for hours. Having driven home completely drunk from some venue or another. And my old rage came pouring back into my blood. That rage that festered for years and finally settled a year and a half ago when I started the whole, "I can't be married to you anymore" era. I've just wanted him to go. In the beginning it was because I felt that if I had a few months to gather strength and clean my soul, I could help him, I could put this life back on track for both of us. But he didn't go and he made things much much worse. The divorce papers are filed. I'm having nightmares and mid morning panic attacks. I'm terrified and furious. So, so furious. This fucker. This fucking fuck fuck fucker. Fuck. |
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