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2016-01-30 - 10:55 p.m.
I bought a new blanket. Finally. It's something I've been trying to do for about five years. I had a perfect top blanket for my bed, since I was nineteen. I've had my old top blanket since I was nineteen. Ugh. I like to have a lightweight blanket on the top, instead of a comforter, because it is easily washed and, the summer, I just use that blanket and sheets. Anyway. I've needed a new top blanket for a really, really long time. But. I couldn't find one exactly like my old one that didn't cost a billion dollars. I finally found one for $37 and I bought it. Today I put it on my bed. And cried my fucking eyes out. Retiring my old blanket is retiring 22 years of kitty snuggles. All of my cats in my adult life, ALL OF THEM, including Tubs, (he was my kitty when I got my first apartment, he got hit by a car just a couple years later) have slept on that blanket. I watched a movie in bed tonight with my stupid new blanket and I just felt heartbroken. I missed Oscar so much that my heart viscerally ached this horrible ache. These god damned cats. Shit. I have folded my old blanket up and put it under my pillows, where it will remain for the rest of my life. Life remains weird but I still feel like I am making progress towards getting back to a happy state even though this is the most stressful point my life has every been at. I should like to never love again. Work is fine. It's been getting a bit better lately. I'm still making a shit ton of money. I'm above the poverty line, working a job that requires only talent and only doing it four days a week with a two week vacation in December. I feel pretty fortunate. I am terrified by the fact that I will probably have to leave this job soon. Absolutely terrified. |
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