DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2006-12-29 - 7:57 a.m.

I woke up early this morning. Too much thinking and dreaming isn�t taking care of it. What am I thinking about? The usual�how in the hell I am going to get Oscar back to the U.S. with us when we are sent back. When are we going to be sent back? Where would I really like to live? And can I, for the sake of adventure and staying in Europe (where I really want to be for now), be happy without having a permanent home? Did I just hear a noise? And the usual, usual, (meaning, normal not sleeping anxieties I�ve been having for most of my life)why do I sleep so much? Why am I so lazy? Why can�t I find enough motivation to take a two hour walk every day when it is so enjoyable to do so? Why am I not writing all the stories that are flitting around in my head? (Etc,) And also, this morning I have added not sleeping thoughts�you know, about how my cat could go into another insulin induced coma and how many times a week can I bring him to the vet for a check-up/blood sugar check without being a total maniac about it? I was worried about my grandfather this morning too, and a little stressed out about babies and because of the baby stress I got worried about the question I have not yet answered in 33 years, �WHAT DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?� (The truth is that I would like to be exactly what I am now�but that�s not very viable or responsible or fair.) And then, thinking about babies�I got stressed about black holes/water shortages/meteors/asteroids/blah blah blah. Because really, I don�t want babies for lots of reasons�but mainly because I don�t want to be responsible for the pain and suffering of future generations. I can prevent some pain and suffering by not having babies.

HOWEVER�

I�ve been feeling baby pressure lately. Everyone keeps telling me that I am getting too old. Some people are even irritated with me for not being ready to make that decision yet. I am very sad that I am getting old and that I am not going to have enough time to make that decision and so�thus�the decision will be a big no. I just hope that when I�m 48 and ready to make that decision finally, I don�t find that I had made the wrong one. Argh.

Anyway.

I can�t wait for the holidays to be over. The only downside about it is that Eric will have to go back to work and I�ve been enjoying his company IMMENSELY over the past week. I need to figure out a way to make money so both of us can be home (or at least together) all day long.

I miss snow.

I want to see my family soon but I have no desire to make that trip just yet.

Plus, how can I comfortably leave my cat right now? Seriously. I (we) haven�t left him alone since that hypoglycemic coma seizure shit last week. In fact, we barely leave him alone in the house. If he�s sleeping on the couch in the living room, one of us is sitting on the couch in the living room. I think we are going nuts. But damn�that was some seriously scary shit. And now I am giving him insulin shots again but I am too scared to give him the amount the vet told me to so I�ve been shorting him on insulin just to be safe. I am such a loser. But I can�t help it. That can never happen again. EVER.

It�s 8 am and it still isn�t light. I am ready for April when the light issue isn�t so ridiculous. I would like to live in a place where the temperature in summer never rises above 78 and in the winter there is snow and where year round the sun rises at 7 am and sets at 9 pm. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

I have to find something to do now.

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