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2006-06-01 - 6:13 p.m.
I used to be very confident in my decisions. It seemed, just a short while ago even, that every choice I made turned out to be the best choice. Even if I had questioned my choice in the beginning. Lately I've been feeling as though something has gone awry in my stars...or whatever...and every decision I make is totally wrong. Not just a little wrong, but totally wrong. It started when the alarm guy was here and I decided after several hours of my cat hiding under the bed and the alarm guy going into that room and totally freaking the cat out, that I would bring the cat into the office with me...because the alarm guy hadn't been coming into the office. No sooner did I move the cat in there with me than the alarm guy came barreling in. Later, I decided it was best to get the cats out of their various hiding spots within the house because all day the alarm had been screeching while they were testing it. There had been a long stretch where there was no screeching and everyone was otherwise occupied with things that didn't involve setting the alarm off. Thinking it safe I extracted first cat from the closet and started down the stairs with him only to have someone decide that moment to test the alarm. Last winter I decided that it was probably best, for many many many reasons to go home for a visit in February rather than in May/June. My little brother graduates in two days from high school. Back when I made the choice NOT to attend his graduation it had seemed like the right thing to do. I had agonized over it. In the end I should have gone home for it. All the reasons I had for NOT going home for it ended up not being valid now. (except the Squishy Cat issue and the fact that tickets at this time of the year are three times more expensive than my February ticket) I could USE a trip home right now...I need to take a step away from this place before I do something I regret. And...one of my friends...her daughter died yesterday. If I hadn't been so stupid I would have been there for the funeral. I would like to be there for the funeral. I feel terrible that I am not there. Her_daughter_died. I cannot even come close to understanding what she must be going through right now. I should be there. Not because my presence would make one bit of difference to her...but damn...I want to be there. I've known that little girl since she was born eleven years ago. And Tricia...she is one of the most outstanding, incredible people I know. She should have a million people standing behind her at the funeral. This is all really terrible. Really, really fucking terrible. |
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