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2004-08-28 - 5:18 p.m.
Sometimes I seriously don't understand how I have lasted this long on this planet. Or at least how long I have lasted participating in humanity. I should have climbed a mountain a long time ago and planted a garden, brought along a cow, a bull, chickens and roosters and some sheep so I could have warm clothes. I should have. I could have lived there for the rest of my life, my animals reproducing so I never had to show my face anywhere ever again, my garden full of food that I would store for the winter. The only thing I would be lacking would be coffee. I could live without coffee. And in this little fantasy I never would have met Eric, so I wouldn't be missing him, because I never would have known how wonderful it was to love someone this much. But then again, that's part of the problem. I hurt. All the fucking time I hurt. I hurt because he isn't here, I hurt because I know he is leaving. It hurts because I don't feel as though we have enough years together, even though we could still have 60, even seventy years together. It hurts because there are always things we have to do and all I want to do is sit locked in a room with him, smelling him, feeling him, listening to him. I hurt because of animals. I hurt because there are many more out there suffering than there are happy. Because I deal on a daily basis with animals that are suffering, animals that I can do hardly anything about. I came home today after feeling so sad about that stupid mother cat. I let her in, vowing that I would catch her to treat her for fleas and when I couldn't grab her to put Frontline on her, I decided that I would just throw flea powder on her. I could do that I thought. But I ended up getting it in her eyes and now she is under my bed with her eyes closed and I HURT. I just want to help her. And I am failing. I cannot let her interfere with the happiness and well being of my cats...I cannot, but sometimes it is so hard not to just let that happen. I hurt because I see people on a daily basis that are just so far gone in their misery and I can't help them. All I can do is be gentle with them, smile, wish them a good day, make sure they have the hottest coffee and the best food from the window. Lois comes in twice a day. I have heard rumor that years ago she was normal, clean, pretty, happy. She would come in with her husband for breakfast. And then he died and she lost it. For a few years there she was vacant, chain smoking, silent. But she was always clean, she even wore her fur coat in the winter and had her nails done. Now days she wears the same outfit everyday. This morning there was a huge hole burned in her shirt. Her shirt was black with dirt. Her fingernails are black, her hair smells so badly that she cannot have washed it in weeks. It is all she can do to order her food. Today she wanted a chocolate sundae. We don't have chocolate sundaes. Somehow I felt as though that chocolate sundae was something she really wanted, even if it was 7 in the morning. I somehow felt as though she needed it for comfort. Maybe something to remind her of her husband or of better times. I just wanted her to have a sundae but there was nothing I could do. She never tips and she is disgusting, always picking her nose, she smells and she smokes the whole time she eats. None of the other waitresses will even pick up her plate when she is done because they don't want to go over there. I want to shake her, really hard, and tell her to get a grip. I just want her to not be so miserable. I hurt. I hurt really, really bad. Today I brought in some plants for the girls. Plants I have had since I moved in here. Plants I have tended to for ten years. I didn't want those girls to have them because it hurt me to think about it. About how they might not take very good care of them. How they might die. I just wanted to take them back but I cannot. I cannot take them with me. I need to give them a chance. I hurt. All I know is that with all this hurt I have had in the last ten years of my life...there is no way I am leaving Bubba here, even if he is a pain in the ass when he can't go outside. I don't care if it would be better for him someplace where he could be outside. I don't care if he sprays everywhere when he can't go out. I will follow him and clean after him...I will wear ear plugs so I can't hear him meowing constantly. I will not leave him here because my heart really can't take much more. I am breaking. Everything is breaking. Don't make me leave Bubba. It's bad enough that I can't take Fish. I know I can't take Fish, there is no way I could take her anyway because she hasn't had shots in time. I am tearing apart about leaving her. Eric's aunt better take her because that is the only person I would be happy leaving her with. I can't handle giving her to someone else. I want to see her, I want her to be someplace where she can be a princess. Where her personality so fits her owner. PLEASE TAKE HER FRAN!!!! PLEASE!!!! OH GOD. I will never survive this move. Never. I am not meant to move. I am not. |
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