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2004-02-07 - 4:56 a.m.
Yesterday on my way home from work the decision was made for me. I will be living with my boyfriend, wherever that may be, by September. It is very clear to me now. I made this decision in a moment of complete rage after having been pulled over, and ticketed, by a police officer in this stupid fucking village I live in. What I got a ticket for, and a $105 fine, is for having expired plates. Yes, I do have plates that are three months over due�but I also had my proof of insurance and my previous registration with me, which means that my car is perfectly legal but I just forgot (or slacked) to get my plates renewed. This pisses me off, not that I got a ticket, I deserved a ticket, but the fine pisses me off because there is no reason something like this deserves a fine. I still have to pay the same amount to get my plates renewed, it isn�t like I wait for months because I get some discount. So basically that fine is something they tack on there to get more money. And since I got pulled over and ticketed in my village I am angry about it because I can�t even get a police officer here in the middle of the night to check out what I am sure is an emergency. There were no officers around when my car was broken into and stereo stolen. There are no officers around to catch the totally drunk people who at 3 in the afternoon tumble into me as they are leaving the bar with their car keys in hand and stumble into me when I am walking. And the things I have been ticketed for since I have lived here are, having expired plates and having WEEDS THAT ARE MORE THAN TWELVE INCHES GROWING ALONG THE FENCE IN THE BACKYARD. PLEASE???????? Don�t we have better things to do with our time than to bother a very poor waitress that wears her seatbelt even though she thinks it is totally unconstitutional to be told she has to? What pissed me off more is that the cop obviously was just hankering to write a ticket yesterday. The only thing he said to me when he got to my car was, �I am pulling you over because your plates are expired, registration, license and insurance.� That was all, no niceties, nothing. In a village my size the cops talk with you, even if they are going to write a ticket they still chat away. Anyway, as I was driving away and trying really hard not to peel out even though my foot wanted nothing more than to slam down on something (which it did moments later when I kicked the shit out of my garbage can), I decided that this was the last straw. I couldn�t handle any longer living here, trying each day to get things done and only have wrenches thrown in the road and having to fall asleep after a stressful day without at least the solace of having my boyfriend anywhere in the vicinity. I am tired of this. This whole thing. I am tired of missing him, tired of the overwhelming excitement in my gut when I think about how many more days until he gets here. I am tired of having a bad day and not really wanting to talk to anyone but because I desperately need to have contact with him, having to sit on the phone trying to think of things I can talk about. All I want to do is just have him with me. I am tired of this constant emotional roller coaster. A week of getting back into life without him, a week of desperate missing him, a week of just boring, mundane life of Whisper, a week of motivation when I decide that I am going to, no matter what, be with him, a week of let down when I realize that it is impossible to get to him, a week of overwhelming impatience for him to be here or me be there, and then a week of happiness while we are together and then the cycle restarts itself. I am tired of it. I could possibly handle it if there weren�t other things I had to deal with. But increasingly I am finding that life is becoming too overwhelming for me. So yesterday I decided that I will be there, or wherever, sometime after my best friend gets married in September. And then last night I got to thinking again, about how this wouldn�t work because I have so much to do in the next six months if I want to make that move. I have to pack this house, fix this house, get rid of everything I own (except books, I can never get rid of the books) and figure out what to do about these cats that are not mine. I can�t very well just leave them here and not care about what will happen to them in the future. I did after all start feeding all these stray cats, I did make them dependent on humans for survival, so it is my responsibility, now, to make sure that they are taken care of in the future. And not only that, I have gotten attached to these cats that are not mine now. I couldn�t just leave Demon out there in the cold. I need to find Demon a home. I went to sleep last night totally stressed out about what to do with Demon. As I fell asleep last night I was sure I could never move because I couldn�t just leave Demon here. This morning when I woke up Demon was on the back porch after a three day disappearance. I went out to feed him, pet him and found that Demon is sporting a COLLAR. Someone put a collar on Demon which means he is not a stray as I had thought (or I have tamed him so well that someone fell in love with him and decided to claim him) and that Demon has a home. Demon is not a stray, someone cares about him enough to put a collar on him. I can go, I can go! It�s funny to me that what opens things up for me to finally be with my boyfriend permanently is a cat appearing with a collar. That will be a story to tell my grand nieces. |
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