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2003-12-03 - 3:51 p.m.
I had a huge birthday extravaganza planned for myself. It was to be two and a half days of nothing but symbolic endeavors that would exemplify exactly what I wanted for life in my thirties. On Monday night I cleaned and cleaned so my house would be in perfect order. So that I could carry on with all my plans without deciding that, �hmmm�that shelf needs to be dusted,� because I am fully aware of avoidance techniques. If I am supposed to be doing something important I will find some stupid cleaning or cooking project that will keep me from doing what I had planned to be doing. So I didn�t go buy food, so I knew I wouldn�t be able to find anything exciting to cook. And I cleaned so I wouldn�t be able to find some nook or cranny to clean. My big plan was this. Tuesday after work I was to go to the gym and do a major workout. Then I was scheduled for a facial and then a massage and then I was going to come home, take a long, hot bath and go to sleep until I woke up. And today, my actual birthday, was supposed to be dedicated to writing. I had planned to write for 24 hours straight. And then Thursday, which I also took off, was supposed to be used for recovering from 24 hours straight of writing. This is what I want for my life while I am in my thirties. I want to be relaxed, radiant, healthy and fucking ass productive. I want to write. I want writing to be something that is the main focus in my life. GOD DAMN IT. This is what I did instead of the birthday extravaganza I had planned. Yesterday I did everything exactly the way I wanted to. I went to work, went to the gym, had my facial and my massage and took an excellent bath for one hour while reading a silly little fairy tale by Clive Barker. Then I went to bed and slept for twelve hours. When I woke up it was my birthday and I made a pot of coffee and took a shower. Then I turned the computer on to get ready to write. But first I checked my e-mail, then I decided that I needed to read the news and then I decided I should probably check out prices to fly to New Mexico to visit my brother. Why did I decide to do this when I had no previous thoughts or plans to visit there? I don�t know. I just decided to start checking prices. Then I read some diaryland. Then I got mad at myself and signed off line. But before beginning the writing project I decided I should play spider solitaire just to chill out and get my mind warmed up. I played for one hour and while I was playing I was thinking about how nice it would be to decorate for Christmas this year. I decided that tomorrow I would go out and buy Christmas decorations. And while I was thinking about going out tomorrow I decided that when I go out tomorrow I would also go to Fourth Coast and get a caramel mocha. Then all I could think about was the caramel mocha and I knew that I would never get anything done today if I didn�t have a caramel mocha so I threw some clothes on and went out. Intention being�get caramel mocha and come home to write. Actual happening�get caramel mocha and then stop at store to buy Christmas decorations. For another hour. By the time I got home it was already 1:30. And then I decided that I should at least get some of the decorations up, check things out to make sure I don�t need to go back into town tomorrow for anything like hooks or tacks or anything. I�ve been hanging decorations now for the last two hours and I have not yet written anything except an e-mail and this entry. I am very annoyed with myself and don�t think I should be allowed to do anything else for the rest of my life because I have totally let myself down this time. And I blame that not on me, but on caramel mocha. So, I am not allowed to have caramel mochas for a year. I cannot have another caramel mocha until my birthday NEXT YEAR because I am a loser. I am a big, fat loser. I am really pissed off at myself. And, I decided to chew gum today, because it�s my birthday, and now I have a raging headache and my jaw is all sore and stiff. I really don�t think I could be more of an idiot. Really. |
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