DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2003-03-25 - 2:16 p.m.

Well�he left for Sweden this morning. And I stayed here. I am certain that was the smart thing to do. I really was in no mood for any whirlwind trips right now nor am I am in the mood for hotels. So. It is just me, sitting here in my chair watching the light from the Eiffel Tower spin towards me every 35 seconds or so.

Sooo�.this trip has turned into a sort of overthinking fest for me. I realize that with all this time on my hands I do nothing but THINK all the time and that gets a little dangerous and a little absurd at times. Today I was sitting here, just having finished my usual dinner (sliced tomatoes with fresh mozzarella, basil, sea salt, pepper and olive oil with fresh bread on the side to soak up the olive oil�.MMMMMM, my absolute favorite dinner) and I realized that already, after only two weeks of being here, I am already in a routine. Right around six o�clock every day I start to get anxious for E. to get home from work. But today, at six, I had the heart thudding excitement going on, but then realized he wouldn�t be coming home today, or tomorrow, or the next day and all of a sudden I missed him so much I couldn�t stand it. And then I started to get all frantic about how terrible it is going to be when I have to go home in six weeks because if I am THIS attached to him now, I am going to be a lunatic by then�.and then I got scared. I got to thinking that I needed to chill on this being in love with him business because I don�t want to smother him, don�t want to scare him off you know? I had started an e-mail to him earlier this afternoon, with my usual Romeo and Juliet melodrama crap, my, �I gotta have you, I can�t be without you...� bunch of annoying sap and erased it all. I even erased the beautiful line, �I guess my heart is set to you now...�because I want him to be on his little business trip and not be thinking to himself, �geez, I thought it would be really nice to have a girlfriend but this is turning out to be a little annoying, I can�t even go away for a couple days without her getting all weird�.� I AM in love with him, I am DESPERATELY in love with him and the operative word(s) in that is HIM�I love HIM and part of HIM is his propensity and need to always be on the move. Part of HIM is to go everywhere, see everything�as I described him before, he is chaotic joy. That is who I love. So I never want to do anything that would jeopardize that part of him�I would never want to become that annoying girlfriend who makes their boyfriend feel guilty for going out and doing what he wants. I simply just want to tell him that while he is out doing what he wants and what he needs to do, I miss him. Plain and simple. I just want him to know that I love him. I don�t want to smother him, but I also don�t want to repress myself. And this is the point in my overthinking where I went back and rewrote the e-mail, included the line, �I guess my heart is set to you now,� but did not include the rest of the sappy nonsense. Nor did I include all of this (all things I have written above) even though between the lines of the e-mail I had thought all of this (all things I have written above). I guess what it comes down to is that I 1. need to come to terms with the fact that I over-do EVERYTHING and should just get used to the fact that even a simple thing like missing someone will turn into some big, long chain of overthinking. 2. I need to let go and just love him as though I have nothing to lose. IF he should feel smothered by that it just means his feelings weren�t the same as mine and I wanted this big, passionate fairy tale right? So if he isn�t as passionate as I am about him he WOULD get smothered by my passion�.but if he IS as passionate for me as I am for him he will derive great JOY from my overloveload. And finally, 3. I need to remember to drink more water tomorrow because I feel very dehydrated right now.

|


Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

previous - next

Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!
www.flickr.com