DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2003-02-01 - 9:35 p.m.

There are two things that can be said in the course of a relationship that make me cringe and what also, by my sudden cringing and doubting when one of these two things are uttered, make me a hypocrite.

The first is, �I can�t....(insert item of I can�tness)� Should I say, �You should really come over tonight...� and the response is, �I can�t� I instantly freeze up, my heart grips in a vice of cold steel and I simply accept the I can�t with a shrill and icy, �Fine.� What someone is saying when they say, �I can�t� is that they don�t WANT to, that there are other things they would rather do, or maybe other things that take precedence over seeing little old me. If I were a priority, if I were TOP priority i.e.; this person that says �I can�t� wants to see me and no other person on the face of the planet would ever supercede that need (which is how I WANT to be revered, selfish? yes...unrealistic? yes...but never the less true) then they would say, �I can�t� to those other things that they will be doing instead of seeing me. But I too am guilty of the �I can�t�, on numerous occasions....�You want me to go to San Diego with you and your friends for New Years? I can�t....�, �You want me to drive to Muskegon to spend the fourth with you and your family? I can�t...�, �You want me to pack up my life and move to France? I can�t...� but in truth I just didn�t want to, not really...I didn�t want to go to San Diego because frankly the idea of spending a week with seven people I didn�t know in a strange town with only two hotel rooms to share between all of us just didn�t sound like fun to me. And I could have, if I was really WANTING to, mustered enough energy in my strep throat delirium to go to Muskegon for the fourth....but I just didn�t WANT to....so why does it send stakes through my heart when someone says....�I can�t� to me when I am just as guilty?

And the second thing which makes me shiver in doubt is when someone says...�You can have sex with someone else, I just don�t want to know about it..I would understand if you did...� From experience that means, �I�m kind of interested in having sex with someone else..� Or, it means that someone is having feelings of insecurity and are preparing themselves, by giving license, for their loved one cheating on them. And I too am guilty of that, both of those things. I said it to my ex boyfriend when I was interested in someone else....I basically said, �here, go sleep with someone else, I WANT you to so I won�t feel so guilty when I do it,� And in the second instance I said it when I was certain he WAS sleeping with someone else because by my TELLING him to do it, that it was okay as long as I didn�t find out about it, I made myself feel like I was strong and without any sort of vulnerability.

So these are just little thoughts....little things that are occurring in my mind now that I am back in the world of relationship. Back in the world of sitting around wondering why the phone doesn�t ring, getting a little irritated when the phone doesn�t ring when in fact, he too could be sitting there wondering why his phone doesn�t ring.

Ah, yes. This is nice. Really.

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