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2002-09-08 - 5:28 a.m.
�I�ll take the six egg omelet with every kind of meat you have in it, NO
VEGETABLES, extra cheese and top it with gravy,� a five million pound man who, from
the exertion he has to put forth in order to hold the menu, is sweating profusely tells me.
�Uh, okay, would you like pancakes, toast or a muffin with that?� I ask.
�No, none of that, could I substitute an order of sausage?�
�Sure,� I tell him eyeing his chest as if at any moment I will see his heart pounce out
of its cavity and onto the table.
�Okay, I�ll take two orders of sausage then,�
�That would be eight links of sausage sir,�
�Oh, better make it two and a half orders then,� he says confidently.
Is this a joke?
No, THIS, my friends, is the Atkins diet. For the last few weeks, since the newest
reports have come out stating that the Atkins Diet isn�t as bad for you as previously
thought, there has been a resurgence of overweight people coming in for omelets covered
in lard. And I, for the past few weeks, have been pouring over study after study trying to
find out HOW IN THE WORLD ANYONE CAN CLAIM THIS DIET IS GOOD? I
don�t care about statistics, statistics mean naught to me. Statistics don�t work, who
knows who they used for their studies, probably healthy people who didn�t need to lose
more than five pounds and had healthy enough bodies to withstand mass quantities of
protein and fat poured into them. And, I�m sure they didn�t take genetics into account
either when tabulating their statistics. Statistics suck. What I have found while browsing
through books and web pages, is that you can make ANYTHING sound right. One day I
can be reading all things pro-ATkins and by the end of the day believe I might have been
wrong, maybe this diet IS good. But then the next I read everything anti-Atkins and I
believe my previous days thought was wrong, that the Atkins diet is pure evil. What I do
know to be truth is that since the birth of homosapiens our anatomy and metabolism has
not changed. We started eating nuts, berries, roots and whatever small animals we could
get. That is what are bodies are designed for. Not Twinkies, not double cheeseburgers. I
have never been overweight, not once in my entire life. There has never been a time in life
where I have needed to lose weight. Why? Because I eat correctly, because I exercise.
There, why am I not making billions of dollars? I have the easiest weight loss and
maintenance plan in the world, one that works, one that is healthy. Eat all the freakin
healthy food you want, keep the sugars, fats and other crap to a minimum. And get your
fucking ass to the gym. Jesus. How hard is that? Here, you want me to lay out a menu
plan for you? I will. Here it is....EAT HEALTHY FUCKING FOOD IN MINIMAL
QUANTITIES FOR EVERY MEAL. It makes me so mad that these diet gurus are
making so much money by brain washing Americans into thinking that the only way to
lose weight is to go on a schemed diet. Makes me SO so so so mad. Isn�t it bad enough
that we can�t even be held responsible enough to manage our money wisely enough to do
away with social secuirity? Our government made sure to step up for that, and there are
nicotine patches because we can�t handle getting rid of an addiction on our own, religion
because we have to have something, other than ourselves, to rely on. Come on, take some
responsibility for yourselves, stop relying on other people to solve your problems, they
don�t want to help you, they want to make money. And while I�m at it, I�m sick
and tired of these freakin� protein bars too. People are morons. Did you know that
virtually EVERYTHING you put in your mouth has protein in it? Spaghetti has 10 grams,
cottage cheese has 10 grams, a cup of yogurt has ten grams. You eat a cup of spaghetti, a
cup of low fat cottage cheese and a container of low fat yogurt and you are STILL below
the fat grams one PowerBar has AND you are getting MORE protein than said PowerBar
and you are not starving half an hour later. But what about the vitamins they put in those
bars you might be asking? Uh, yeah, WHY DON�T YOU TRY TAKING A VITAMIN
PILL IN THE MORNING DUMBASS? Unless you like spend $2.50 on a bar of
chemicals? Do these people that are eating these protein bars, thinking they are doing
something good for themselves, even know how much protein they are supposed to have
in a day anyway?
Jesus.
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