DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2002-05-28 - 6:13 p.m.

A few years ago my ex-boyfriend and I were going to build a house. His parents had given us a beautiful piece of property, all we had to do was pick out some plans, get a builder and some permits and that was that. For weeks we leafed through magazines of home plans, we drove around and looked at houses, we met with a few builders and finally one Sunday night we found the perfect house plan and we ordered it. Once we got the plans I called a builder who had been recommended to us and he met with J. at the property to give us some estimates. What he told us was, �Sure, I can build this house for X-amount, BUT, you have a water table problem here. You�re going to have to do this and this and blah, blah, blah before we can build here or you�re going to have a flood problem every time the water table rises. To remedy this problem it will cost you another ten grand.�

It wasn�t the cost of fixing the problem that worried us, the property had been given to us and that in itself had saved us a ton of money. We were worried about the future of the house. I called my Dad, who is a builder, and asked him about it. When he started talking I knew I should be listening, not because of the house, but because of my life. His first sentence was, �You can build your dream house anywhere, but that doesn�t mean it�s going to last.�

He went on to tell me that sure, it�s okay to fix the problem NOW, the house will be fine for a while. And then he gave me a for instance. If you build your house with cheap wood, cheap material, things that aren�t everlasting and solid, your house will be fine, beautiful in fact. It will look great. But then you�re going to start getting creaks, things are going to start sagging before their time. Your house will still look great, but it won�t be great structure wise. It won�t last. Same thing with the water. For a few years things will appear fine, and then you�ll start getting a few wet spots in the basement, you�ll have to fix things, then suddenly one day you�ll wake up and you�ll have a basement full of water. He told me that we should find different property. Property that is good from the start, something to build a solid foundation on. In my head something clicked. Way back then, something clicked.

My ex and I didn�t end up building on that property and for the next three years we made half assed attempts to find a house or find property to build our house on. We went through so many different options. I think both of us were subconsciously sabotaging the whole thing. He still doesn�t believe that he did that, he doesn�t believe that he subconsciously sabotaged things so that we wouldn�t move forth in our relationship. But I know that I did. I know that I did a lot.

Lately I have been finding myself in the throes of panic when I think about the prospect of having a new relationship with someone else. My year of solitude is drawing to an end. Soon I will be back in the field. And this scares me. It scares me because my ex was my dream house, he fit every ideal I ever had, but the solid foundation wasn�t there, the everlasting wasn�t there. There were things missing in our relationship that made it falter.

So I wonder, can someone actually find their dream house and build it on a solid and everlasting foundation? Will any relationship I have in the future appear to be beautiful and perfect but really be faltering? I can�t handle that prospect. I can�t handle another heart break in this life. So would I rather just live alone for the rest of my life? I wouldn�t mind it, I am perfectly happy right, happier than I have ever been, more sane than I have ever been and I am content even though I miss kissing someone until my lips get swollen and bruised. But I also know that if I found that right man out there I could be even happier than this. Am I willing to risk ultimate happiness for just happiness? I haven�t decided that yet. But I am thinking about it. I am seriously thinking about it.

|


Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

previous - next

Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!
www.flickr.com