2002-05-28 - 6:13 p.m.
A few years ago my ex-boyfriend and I were going to build a house. His parents had
given us a beautiful piece of property, all we had to do was pick out some plans, get a
builder and some permits and that was that. For weeks we leafed through magazines of
home plans, we drove around and looked at houses, we met with a few builders and finally
one Sunday night we found the perfect house plan and we ordered it. Once we got the
plans I called a builder who had been recommended to us and he met with J. at the
property to give us some estimates. What he told us was, �Sure, I can build this house for
X-amount, BUT, you have a water table problem here. You�re going to have to do this
and this and blah, blah, blah before we can build here or you�re going to have a flood
problem every time the water table rises. To remedy this problem it will cost you another
ten grand.�
It wasn�t the cost of fixing the problem that worried us, the property had been given
to us and that in itself had saved us a ton of money. We were worried about the future of
the house. I called my Dad, who is a builder, and asked him about it. When he started
talking I knew I should be listening, not because of the house, but because of my life. His
first sentence was, �You can build your dream house anywhere, but that doesn�t mean it�s
going to last.�
He went on to tell me that sure, it�s okay to fix the problem NOW, the house will be
fine for a while. And then he gave me a for instance. If you build your house with cheap
wood, cheap material, things that aren�t everlasting and solid, your house will be fine,
beautiful in fact. It will look great. But then you�re going to start getting creaks, things
are going to start sagging before their time. Your house will still look great, but it won�t
be great structure wise. It won�t last. Same thing with the water. For a few years things
will appear fine, and then you�ll start getting a few wet spots in the basement, you�ll have
to fix things, then suddenly one day you�ll wake up and you�ll have a basement full of
water. He told me that we should find different property. Property that is good from the
start, something to build a solid foundation on. In my head something clicked. Way back
then, something clicked.
My ex and I didn�t end up building on that property and for the next three years we
made half assed attempts to find a house or find property to build our house on. We went
through so many different options. I think both of us were subconsciously sabotaging the
whole thing. He still doesn�t believe that he did that, he doesn�t believe that he
subconsciously sabotaged things so that we wouldn�t move forth in our relationship. But I
know that I did. I know that I did a lot.
Lately I have been finding myself in the throes of panic when I think about the
prospect of having a new relationship with someone else. My year of solitude is drawing
to an end. Soon I will be back in the field. And this scares me. It scares me because my
ex was my dream house, he fit every ideal I ever had, but the solid foundation wasn�t
there, the everlasting wasn�t there. There were things missing in our relationship that
made it falter.
So I wonder, can someone actually find their dream house and build it on a solid and
everlasting foundation? Will any relationship I have in the future appear to be beautiful
and perfect but really be faltering? I can�t handle that prospect. I can�t handle another
heart break in this life. So would I rather just live alone for the rest of my life? I wouldn�t
mind it, I am perfectly happy right, happier than I have ever been, more sane than I have
ever been and I am content even though I miss kissing someone until my lips get swollen
and bruised. But I also know that if I found that right man out there I could be even
happier than this. Am I willing to risk ultimate happiness for just happiness? I haven�t
decided that yet. But I am thinking about it. I am seriously thinking about it. |
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