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2002-03-13 - 7:40 p.m.
I haven't had sex in seven months. This is by choice. I made a vow to my self, that pieced together, bleeding little self buried beneath my skin, that I would not have sex or be involved in any sort of relationship romantically for one year. There is nothing wrong with sex, I just felt a need for a sort of "cleansing" and the need for some time to myself after breaking up with my boyfriend of five years. So imagine my confusion when my monthly visitor that has for the past 14 years been regular to the point of starting in the same hour every month is fifteen days late. I'm still waiting for it with less and less patience. This afternoon I was talking with my ex-boyfriend on the phone. I was telling him how weird this whole thing is and he is getting increasingly silent on the other line. I decide to make a joke, "Hey, when we were in Florida did you slip something in my drink and have sex with me while I was passed out?" I ask. "Yeah. Right," he answers. "You did didn't you? You secretly impregnated me," I am joking around. "That's not really funny Whisper, you better hope you aren't pregnant," he tells me with a very serious tone in his voice. "Well, I can't be pregnant, there is no way unless I was drugged and unaware or I am giving birth to the second Messiah and have been impregnated by God himself. What do you care anyway?" I ask him. "I would never speak to you again if you were pregnant," he tells me with great resolution. At this point I get angry. "It is none of your business if I get pregnant or not buddy! It isn't like I'm cheating on you, I can have sex with whomever I choose! And what if I were pregnant? It could only be immaculate conception, so you would never speak to me because I had been reduced to a mere tool by some God?" "If you were pregnant it would mean you had sex with someone, and you can't do that because of your rules." This past winter there was a big fight between me, my ex-boyfriend and one of his friends concerning my oath. His friend had been driiving through a parking lot the night of my literary award thing and saw me in my car with another guy who I was hugging (not kissing as the guy later accused me of). A guy who had come as my date, taken me and my friends to a celebration dinner afterwards, and who I was saying goodnight to. The next morning I woke up to find a scathing e-mail from this friend of the ex. This is the e-mail. ********************************** Hey how are you? I don't mean to pry... However, I came out of Main Street tonight only to find you kissing the guy you said was just a good friend. I realize that some friends do kiss from time to time but it just seemed as though you were a little closer than just friends. Please understand I am just trying to understand for myself. I really don't want to say anything to Jon about this but I am torn. I know you and Jon are not together at this time and may never be again BUT... I was pretty sure you said you were taking a year off from ALL Guys. I know you think of me as a doctor know it all. It is really none of my business and I have quite a bit of alcohol in me right now so please don't hold too much against me. I just keep believing what you are telling me 'cause I know you have nothing to gain from lying to me. Even though it isn't my place to be asking... Please help me to understand what is truth and what is fiction. Again I am sorry for prying into your personal life, I am just at a loss for words or thoughts! Thank you for understanding my position, ************************************** I blew up after getting that. With or without my oath I can do whatever I want to do. I started feeling the same way I felt after getting this e-mail about my ex's response to my late period. But what really bothered me was the fact that he was dismissing the idea that I could be pregnant due to immaculate conception. This didn't bother me because I actually believe it could happen, it bothered me because I suddenly realized that people who practice religion and spout off about it probably don't really believe Mary got pregnant without actual physical intercourse. It occured to me that people choose what they are going to believe in religion. But you can't do that, you can't read the bible and say, "This is true, but this isn't," because that just means that I can read the same passage they believed to be true and say, "This isn't true," and therefore the whole religion is unfounded. Who would be right? And I am talking about zealots here, people who use religion to "change the world". I realize now that all I have to say to these people is, "Do you believe Mary gave birth to Christ without physical intercourse?" They will say yes because they have to. Then I will ask, "Do you believe I could give birth to Christ without physical intercourse?" And they will say no. If you have ever read "A Prayer for Owen Meany" (and you should, everyone should HAVE to read this book) you will understand the absurdity of people believing Mary did it but that it would never happen again. I just want to reiterate, I don't believe it happened in the first place, I just don't understand how anyone who does believe it happened can not believe it could happen now. And that's that. My very tardy period got me going on a three hour long religion discussion. Do you think they sell immaculate conception pregnancy tests? Night night. By the way...WHERE IN THE HELL IS TURTLEGUY? |
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