2017-02-10 - 12:07 p.m.
I'm not faring so well. This winter needs to end. This lack of snow is torture. It's just been cold and gray for what seems like years. I've been taking vitamin D and using my happy light and going to the tanning bed once a month but I'm just coasting at this point. I'm not even half alive I don't think. I wanted to go to Florida. I had someone invite me to go for a few days. I have frequent flier miles I could have used or probably could have even gotten a super cheap Spirit flight...but I couldn't go with that person because he's my ex boyfriend and even though we've been just friends for the last sixteen years, it still didn't sit well with me. I have a boyfriend and I have a husband still. Half alive, I'm telling you. I live most of my days in a daze. I can't bring myself to reality. Anyway, I was going to try to go to Florida by myself in the next couple weeks. But I'm just too exhausted to even attempt to plan that. I sure could use that sunlight, though.
I'm in school now. I'm just taking one class, thank god. It's been tough. Every week since the first week I've had some big thing going on that prevents me from doing 100%. Next week should be the first time in seven weeks that I'll have the proper amount of time to dedicate. But I'm already thinking that I might go up north on my days off because I have to get the fuck out of this house when Eric is here. Seriously, this is killing both of us. I can't believe he's still here. I really can't believe it. For two reasons. One, it's so awkward, hostile and uncomfortable when we're here together. This is mostly on him. I do get angry from time to time but it's because he's acting like such an asshole. He makes no sense to me. He doesn't want to be in this marriage any more than I do...so why make it difficult? Why make your life anymore unhappy than it has to be? He refuses to eat any food I make anymore, for example. He'll look at it like it repulses him. I understand that he was hurt. This whole thing has been a disaster...but we're going on two years now since I told him I couldn't be married anymore. Two years of this misery. Because my number one reason for not wanting to be married anymore was because I was miserable all the time, it became imperative to me to find happiness, to start being positive again and stop being mired by mine and his depressions. But he just keeps being mired by it. He's so pulled in by negativity. You have to be able to look around and find little happinesses, little kindnesses.
I have a lot to do today. I have a lot to do, in general. I was supposed to get up early today to get stuff done. I have paperwork due at the lawyers today, for example. I pressed snooze for two hours. I did get my paperwork done and it was as depressing as it could possibly be. It was so depressing that I needed to get back into bed for a little while. At least I'm writing this entry so it's not a total waste.
Don't get divorced, folks. If you even have one little idea in your head that you are unhappy in your marriage, fix it. Fix it now. Do whatever you have to do to fix it.
That is all.|
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